Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
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I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
You had me at “define legal”.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.