i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
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Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
not seeing the problem
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?