I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
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I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
How does one answer this?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”