If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
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My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!