Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
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Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs