Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
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Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
💁🏻♂️
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]