I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
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if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.