The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine