The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
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Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.