Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
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officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
#parenting
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year