I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.