put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
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I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”