Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
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I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.