Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
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“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.