The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
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Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Thank you corporation very cool
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Would you wear it?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?