My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
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The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
getting groceries
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?