I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
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My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.