Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars