I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
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Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup