Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
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Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Friends that check up on you >
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
he chose this
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today