A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I have many caverns
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”