Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
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Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
He-man has a Masters degree
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Succinctly put.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Batman v Dracula
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
when dads have a rap battle
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.