Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
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Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.