DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
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Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”