Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
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“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.