Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
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things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out