I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.