Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
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Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”