Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
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COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.