HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
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I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess