(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
You Might Also Like
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Cats are still liquid.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it