Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
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i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.