Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Great Canadian literature.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it