[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.