Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
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It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!