ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
You Might Also Like
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
True freaking story!
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Nice try, poison.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.