Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all