*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I’m crying im so happy for them
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK