The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
You Might Also Like
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Practicing safe sax
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.