It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed