[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa