My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
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Traveler’s camo
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Noah was an idiot.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.