My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
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My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
just pretend nothing happened
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.