I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
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the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.