Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
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I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Sign of the day..
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”