What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
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Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-