Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
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The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
@ candidates for local office
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.