A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I have no passwords left in me
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom