I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
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I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Tough love is true love
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.