It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
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Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
LA today:
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you